Maybe the person had always been there. Maybe I didn’t choose to see it. I tried pushing it away, trying my best to keep it at bay. But then one day, it came back crashing like a high tide and look away pieces of me till all that remained was an alter ego.
I had accepted it. I did. I had completely embraced it as my own. I even fed it with dark thoughts and melancholy. The youthful soul watched from afar, trying to creep its way back. But it was shut out each time, silenced by the pride and contempt that had built its home in me. It blocked out everyone and everything, including myself.
And what happens inside a universe – the mind- remains in shadow for everyone outside. And in such cases, mistakes happen on both sides, because each is unaware of what is happening within the other.
I missed myself. The person who talked, smiled and laughed. But I was okay with the alter ego. It showed me things that I would’ve missed otherwise. I felt a strange pride in knowing what my darker self taught me, even though it separated me from the common world; my world. It acted like a thorny shield, hurting everyone that tried to get close to me, help me or hurt me. I took masochistic delight in hurting myself and others. Confronting the bitter truth marveling at it. I remember an incident where my mother talked about positive and negative energies in both spiritual and physical worlds. I remember myself, mentally smirking as I compared myself to the negative energy that exists in the world.
To sum it up, I had nothing but contempt for my existence as a human being and humanity itself. “Sometimes being human sucks.” This is what I said to my ‘friend’ who tried correcting me on my harsh remark on a grievous accident that took place in the city. I disliked humanity as a whole; I didn’t resent terrorism. I didn’t repent deaths. I deliberately prevented myself from feeling things, which however, did not lessen my pain. Ask me how it is like to be the bad guy, I have experienced all of it, maybe except the feeling of murdering someone, which too I would be privileged to feel, given the circumstances. (No, not really. It’s a dark joke).
I was fourteen, when I violently smashed a chair on the floor IN MY CLASSROOM, because I was angry and frustrated. It was the first time in my entire school life that I hadn’t spoken a single word to a single person at school. My friends were already scared from my apparently changed behavior, when they witnessed my monstrous side. I remember the fear on their faces as they stared at me in disbelief. I remember staring almost passionately at the ground as I stormed out of the classroom and led myself to a desolate corner of the building, to be consumed by guilt. Luckily, back then, owing to my popularity among classmates, the news didn’t spread. I now wish it would’ve, because getting out of school is something that I desire more than anything presently.
There were issues. There were many issues, which would take more than 10 pages to narrate, so I’ll let it pass.
Things kept going the same way. Regular anxiety attacks. A lot of crying (which no one noticed). Days and nights spent under my table ( it was calming, it still is to be honest). Outbursts and other serious shit.
Then, something came in, and pulled me back to my senses. I’ll tell you what it was. The sense of consciousness, the sense of being human. I know I had nothing but contempt for humans (including myself), but I started to realize that just because something is evil, or isn’t all good, doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful (yeah, age of Ultron reference, so what?). I discovered myself admiring the beauty in aspects of human life such as, caring for another, harmony, laughter and consciousness itself. All of the things that I considered trivial and petty, seemed special in their own ways. Maybe they aren’t special at all. But either way, these aspects of consciousness are what we are here for. We might as well be dead, if not for these little, trivial things. I may want to become a bird, but it doesn’t mean I have to have resentment towards human life. A bird doesn’t acknowledge the privilege of flying, it simply can’t and no one can do anything about it. The same way, I might not acknowledge the fact that I exist, but that does NOT mean I have to want to die. Yeah, it’s that complicated. Not sorry though.
One of the many things that made me acknowledge consciousness (I am not trying to make it sound deep and dramatic anymore, but there is no other way to say it), is-
-wait, should I?
-Yes, I should.
Oh, I already mentioned it in the title. Oh, how I regret my life. Wait, don’t stop reading yet. I just thought I should give some serious credit to the beautiful thing that is K-Pop, for restoring (or rather, disassembling/reorganizing) my life, which would have otherwise been in ruins or would have ceased to exist. (As if I have a life now) .
NO, ACTUALLY I DO.
As I thought this post would get too long if put it all here, I’m gonna put this link to another post where I rant about the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’. You might……not want to read it which is okay. But you should, because it’s worth it. Yeah.