Sometimes, when I’m just in the middle of something, trying to concentrate, my mind skips to this though, more like a realization – I am 16? Already?
There are times when this is not surprising at all, like growing up this fast was obvious and unavoidable. And there are also times when I’ll stare at an empty spot on the wall, tears escaping my eyes, my mind pondering about that ONE fact – I am here and I am 16. I hate being 16. I didn’t think I would make it this far, I didn’t want to. It’s scary, as much as I don’t want to admit it. It scares me.
Then there are war flashbacks – war with the mind, emotions, complications, hormones. Myself. Leaves you nauseous like a roller coaster ride. How did all the choices that I had ever made in life lead me to this place? And the most important question is, if I can call this LIFE.
Now and then, I just want to go to my mother (when she’s not pissed because of something I did), and hug her and stay like that for a while. When I tell her “I really hate school”, I want her to understand that I hate much more than school. I can’t tell whether she understands my fears or not, but all she says is “When I was your age, even a day without school seemed empty.” That made me so mad, because she knows that our lives cannot be more different. She knows that school destroys my creativity and prevents me from having a productive life. Yet all she manages to do is make that reference from her past.
A few years back, I was different. Completely different. Me from the past would have argued with my mother until she made her point. I believed I had a stand. I believed I could make a change in the world just by being myself. I had a vision. I smiled a lot, loved debating on issues and was quite popular among classmates. Something happened. Although, I’m not sure what it was. But out of the blue, everything started to fall apart. Everything changed drastically in and around me. It all happened too fast for me to be able to grasp the situation and make the right choices. There was no sudden death, no adversity. It was just like a cloud, jet black, that steadily swallowed up whole what I knew as ‘my world’.
I was a monster in their eyes. I could tell from the looks on their faces, they thought I was imbalanced. I don’t know whether I enjoyed intimidating them or a part of me felt sorry for myself. The sentence I heard most often from my parents and teachers is, “You’re a girl with a lot of potential. Your life would change drastically only if you knew how to use it in the right things.” Every time I did something I wasn’t supposed to, they said “This is not at all what is expected from you“. What I didn’t understand is, what I had ever done to make them believe I’m anything more than myself. I did not choose to be a good girl and neither did I choose to be the bad girl that I’m now. I did not choose to have good grades. All I did was study because I felt like it. And when I don’t, it’s because I don’t want to. What in the world did I do?
Now when I look back at all those shit, and then look myself in the mirror, even though the person is me, she feels foreign. She’s better looking than me a few years back, skinnier, taller and with sharper features, but it seems like she’s terribly, scarred and almost hollowed out. Back when I was a child, even though I was not an impressive person, at least the person I saw in the mirror, I knew was me. I don’t even know where the present me has come from. I have completely accepted myself, but sometimes I really start questioning whether I am real or just an alter ego.
I am 16. And I am not sure what I am supposed to do (you can’t tell me I’m supposed to study because that’s what I and everyone else my age is doing anyway). Sometimes I just feel like skin, muscles and bones that breathe and move around. I can’t not feel them because of how intoxicated with carbon dioxide they are. Everything confuses me. Everything makes me question existence. I hate being 16. But I’ll be alright.